Dear diary: Today is a good day

I woke up with a heaviness on my chest.

might be the coffee.

might be the grief that likes to settle in my bones when i’m not looking.

either way, i felt it.

yesterday, i asked my son to tell me one good thing about his day.

he said he made a Mother’s Day gift for his mama.

only thing is… he wasn’t talking about me.

i smiled.

but inside, something cracked.

see, i share my motherhood with a woman who never carried him,

never birthed him,

never rocked him back to sleep at 3 a.m.

but still wears the title like she earned it.

and me?

i swallow it.

the ache. the tears. the injustice of it all.

because i’m supposed to forgive, right?

because grace is what God asks of me, even when it feels like too much.

but today, i still chose me.

put on my clothes.

went to work.

because life don’t pause just because your heart’s breaking.

bills still come.

and pain no matter how deep don’t pay none of them.

if it did,

i’d be a wealthy woman.

stacked in sorrow, drippin’ in disappointment,

but rich all the same.

so i remind myself, like i do most mornings:

“today’s gon’ be a good day.”

and usually, it is.

but some days?

some days, i gotta talk myself down.

hold myself close like my own mama should’ve.

rock my own spirit,

wipe my own tears.

i’m sittin’ in this mixture of what i created

and what the world handed me.

some of it my fault.

some of it not.

all of it heavy.

but still

i’m here.

and that means something.

no coffee today.

just my elderberry and hibiscus.

because today, i’m choosing softness.

i’m choosing me.

even when it hurts.

even when it don’t feel fair.

even when my son forgets to say my name.

i am worthy.

i am enough.

and even when i’m not okay… i’m still sacred.

– Jimisha

Song: Everybody’s Crazy by Olivia Dean